New Skids on the Block...

Tuesdays evenings are usually my favorite evenings during the entire week, and for only one reason. Taco Tuesday at Del Taco. After making a pact with the Devil, Del Taco has a deal where on Tuesdays you can gorge yourself with tacos at the low low price of 3 for 99 cents! I LOVE these fuggin tacos! They aren't really that big and there isn't much to them, but my my are they tasty. I usually eat a small lunch on these days so I can shove these little morsels into my gullet one after the other. The most I've consumed in one visit is 12, but I know I can tear up more than that. It may seem like a lot of tacos to feast on, but they are pretty small and can be eaten in two bites.

Although this day is like a weekly Christmas for me, it comes at a price. I have what my doctor calls a "stressed" stomach which means I when I get stressed out my stomach gets upset and if I've just eaten I'm a ticking time bomb. I can't even have breakfast most mornings because my stomach gets cramped up. Shit, I can't even drink water first thing in the morning! Sometimes it's just cramps, sometimes I have to do "#2". I can only eat so many fooods with out having to run to the crapper and Del Taco tacos rarely stay for more than an hours visit, but sometimes they spend the night. This is why I usually only partake in taco Tuesday if I'm going home after work.

Yesterday was your typical shitty day at work and Taco Tuesday was the only pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. I hadn't slept too good the night before so by the time the work day was done I was beat, AND I was starving! On the way home I go through the drive thru and order 9 tacos (for only $! CHA-CHING!) I get home, do the usual things people do when they get home from work, then I settle down with my tacos and plenty of Del Scorcho sauce. When I'm done eating I play with my dogs for a bit and figure I should take a little nap to regroup. After about 45mins of sleep (the dogs took a nap too) we all get up and I do a small bit of chores, then watch some stimulating intellectual television. I believe the shows were: American Idol/My wife and kids, George Lopez, Scrubs and The Office. After watching these shows I get a little "rumble in the jungle" and go TCB. Turns out it was only a little gas and I was fine. I was even a bit surprised that the tacos had sat well the whole night? It was money well spent.

It's a little after 10pm and I get my boys ready to go for a walk. I usually go for walks pretty late because I don't like people around when I go out. When I go late it's like I have the night all to myself and with the cool evening breeze followed up with the mellow glow of the street lights it's quite tranquil. Seeing as how my dogs are a Bassett Hound and a Beagle, these walks take forever because they have to sniff every little fucking thing that God has created! They get pretty excited when it's time for their walks and since it's good exercise for all of us I usually take a route that adds up to over an hour out on the streets. The route I take is cool because it goes through the neighborhood that consists of nice old houses, huge trees in almost every yard and dim lit streets. TiVo my beagle if a pushy lazy ass and likes to trot along the walks while trying to take charge by sitting if he feels tired. I've tried to take him jogging with me, but he ain't having it. He trotted about a block before he just said fuck it and laid down on a patch of grass...fat ass. Malcolm the Bassett Hound on the other hand LOVES to go for walks and even runs some of the time, since he has little legs though it isn't like TiVo and I have to run to keep up with him. If anything it turns into a speed walk. I admire the little hombre though because he has a gimp front let that looks like a 4 inch boomerang, which makes him fall on his face if he gets overzealous, but still runs with excitement. Unlike that little fat ass TiVo.

I grab my MP3 player, put the dogs in their harnesses and leashes and awaaay we go! The night is cool and the boys are walking like they own the neighborhood. As we're walking they start their business of smelling every damn blade of grass we walk by. I don't get why they constantly do this considering we take the same fucking route when we go walking?! Malcolm stops all of the sudden and it jerks my arm hard enough that it smarts. I turn to see what his problem is but he starts running and we continue to walk. In my peripheral vision I can see him shaking his head like he was at a Ozzy Osbourne concert. "What hell are you doing?" I scowl at him, but he just keeps going. TiVo could care less about all this and pretty much keeps to himself. Finally he gets on my nerves and I bend down to see what his problem is. Like I said it's pretty dimly lit on these streets so I have to get pretty close to the kid to see what his deal is! As I lean down I grab his head, he shakes me off, I grab it again and see the idiot has a huge feather in his mouth and was shaking it around to show it's who's boss. Man these fuckers get on my nerves sometimes. I throw it in a random yard and give his leash a little tug as if to say "let's go", TiVo seems amused that Malcolm is in trouble and trots along like he's some little angel. Fucker. We continue our walk and I'm starting to get pissed because they will not stop sniffing everything and it's taking forever for our trek to end! This was the worst I've seen them act and I swear they were just fucking with me! I start to get more pissed off when all of the sudden I feel a baby kick in my belly! "Oh shit" I think to myself, not now. It doesn't get too bad and I end up turning off my radio so I can squeak out a fart without making it too loud, all while looking around for people who might hear me. Even though there was no one around I still look at the dogs like they did it and I was grossed out. I felt a little bit better and talk myself down from a cramped up stomach. A couple of blocks later it kicks in again. I let out a little machine gun series of farts and then realize those were my spacers! Spacers are the farts that take up the space between a turd and your butthole, the more you fart, the closer the turd gets to being released. C'mon, we've all dealt with spacers so don't get all uppity and act grossed out. Anywho, I realized I am now on poo patrol and at the halfway mark of our walk. No matter what I was still a ways from my apt. and would have to take the simple path home...quickly. I start to walk and this time I just charge ahead without letting the dogs smell anything.

With quick long strides I am power walking down the streets and even TiVo is moving his little legs like a champ while Malcolm runs along side of me. "FUURT" a spacer fart slips out and I can feel the sweat start to form on my forehead. I had to hurry or else there would be a terrible ASSPLOSION! I tug the leashes a little more and start to walk faster, all while thinking "okay, not far to go. You can make it, just don't fart anymore! You only got half a spacer left." I'm starting to feel a little guilty because I can see both dogs panting because they've never had this hard of a work out. I'm only about 8 blocks away and the cramps are getting worse when all of the sudden "blurb blurp" I lose my last spacer. Next time wouldn't be so friendly. Sweat is running down my temples and back as panic starts to set in. There was no way I could shit myself, I was wearing shorts! Should I knock on someone's door? Should I duck in dark spot in someone's yard and then run when I was finished? What would I do with the dogs?! There was no easy way out, I had to get HOME! The pudding was about to pop and even the dogs could tell that daddy had to make a boo boo! I was so proud of them for not giving me any hassles and scurrying as fast as they could I was wondering what kind of fitting reward I would give them.

Only 3 more blocks to go and the front of my shirt was soaked with what looked like a Superman emblem in the front but was actually a sweat spot on my chest. The turd was barely keeping itself hidden now and my ass felt like when you have a mouth full of soda then all of the sudden someone makes you laugh and you don't want to spit it out. Thinking I should jog the rest of the way, I start to shuffle into a run and instantly realize that was a bid idea. It felt like I was trying to shake chili out of a can. "C'mon Damon, you can make it" I think to myself with panic. Malcolm is running with so much gusto now that I can feel his tongue hitting my leg as it hangs out of his mouth. I get to the corner of my street grabbing both leashes with one hand as I shove my free sweaty hand into my pocket to get my keys. If I tripped and fell I would have had the ass of my boxers filled with brownie mix so I walked as fast as possible. I open the gate and break into a sprint down the hall leading to my apartment. I COULDN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER! I HAD TO MAKE IT!!!! In one jabbing motion I make the key dead center into the key hole and turn it, opening the door. I slam the door behind me, throw the leashes down with one hand and start pulling my shorts down with the other! I run full speed to the bathroom and of all days I leave the toilet seat down! I frantically fumble with the seat and I can feel the start of something evil coming! I have my pants down now and whip around to sit down and let her blow! I'm not even seated down all the way when I feel the gust of chili (with no beans) blast out of my brown star with so much power I thought it might shoot through the porcelain! I settle in my seat and with all the adrenaline I had built up to getting to that moment I thought I was going to puke. This was the most violent visit to the water gardens I've ever had and didn't know I wronged so bad that they wished this on me. I'm not going to lie it STUNK and I had to open the door to keep from passing out. Even the dogs stood at the door way and then turned away after they were hit with the funk! Panting with exhaustion I finish up my bitness and don't move from my seat, probably from shock. I looked up cursing God while shaking my fist at the sky, then I wiped the sweat from my already damp scalp and forehead.

I was there for a good half hour before I finally had the strength to get up, but it felt like forever. I changed t-shirts and then buckled on the floor next to the dogs and expressed as much love as I could in appreciation for their awesome team work. I gave them each fists full of meaty bones and watched them devour them with a smile of pride on my face. I had a few more "visits" to the bathroom that night, but they were nothing like the one that felt like the gates of hell were opening up in my ass. I swore that night that I was never ever going to eat at that fucking Del Taco again! It's only Wednesday though so we'll see what happens next week.

Hey, at least I didn't shit in a fucking bucket!

DJB