Monday, June 27, 2005

When asking your friends for help comes to a grinding halt...

Cars. Cars I could care less about because I don't see the use in them other than getting me where I need to go. To be honest, the only thing I really take note of in every car i've owned is the stereo. It's been my experience that you can't drive anywhere without music! I've had my stereo stolen a couple of times (another thing I hate about cars...and the fucking thieves who break into them) and if I don't have music to listen to, then I just sing the chorus of songs I can remember. And there aren't too many I remember so there's just a lot of humming and words I do remember thrown in at certain points. Earlier this year my car was broken into and not only did they take my stereo, but the compilation cd's I kept in the car? This pissed me off because I know I had good shit on these cd's and some fucker was probably at home listening to them thinking, "Man, this CD is pretty fucking good! I wonder what's on the other ones?.." I was so bored when driving to work that I would play the ringtones in my phone when I drove! Really. I eventually picked up a stereo that played MP3 cd's so I would only have to keep one CD in my car. It works like a gem.

Now I like some cars, but not enough to check out when new brands or styles come out. I recall a conversation I had with someone where they asked me "Damon, if you could have any car you wanted, what would you get?"
"I could have any car?
"Yes, anything"
"Hmm... I would get a Previa van! With a nice stereo!"
"WHAT?! A Previa van?! C'mon! Don't be stupid, what car would you want!"
"...I'm serious. I like Previa vans and I've always wanted one?"
"What ever..."
For some reason I like geeky cars. My current g-ride is a Honda hatchback and I had always wanted one since I was in High School, and my only desire to get this car was because it looks like the shuttle cars on "STAR TOURS" at Disneyland! When I finally got one I drove it to my mothers house and my older sister walked out, looked at it, then turned to me and said "Isn't that the car you wanted when you were in High School?" "YUP!" and that was the end of that conversation. I was so proud of it I called my girlfriend at the time and raved on about how I got a new car. She was excited about it until she came over to my apartment and I walked her down to the garage. "That's it?"
"Yup!"
"Oh...why did you get this kind? You could have bought an explorer or something?"
"I didn't want one of those, i like this. It looks like the Star Tours shuttle!"
"Hmm... I don't know if I want to ride with you in this?!" Which she tried to make sound like a joke but wasn't. I know this because I rarely drove us anywhere after that day. As long as the car doesn't have more colors than the Partridge Family bus or if it isn't covered in primer than I don't see the problem?

Seeing as how my interest in cars is non-existent, my knowledge about car up keep is just as equal. I don't know shit about cars! I don't even know how to change my oil. I had this Volkswagen square back when I was younger (and I did like that car) which was pretty cherried out, but one time I had to put oil in it and almost put it in the radiator because I didn't know where it went. I can change a tire and installed speakers one time, but other than that, I'm pretty useless... The only talent I've had with cars is driving myself or my friends home after a few drinks. I'm not advocating drunk driving in the least, I just know sometimes you just got to get home. I even try to kid myself when something goes wrong with my car. For some stupid reason I always find myself popping the hood and looking under it like the problem is going to wave at me and shout out "RIGHT HERE DAMON! I'M WHAT'S NOT WORKING RIGHT! WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FIX ME?" This is why I have a triple A card. I constantly have people ask me about what I do with my car because they all know I'm automotively retarded! "Damon, have you changed your oil lately?" "Dude, your tires look like they need air?" "Your alignment seems off?" and other little tidbits that keep me aware of the fact I'm a terrible car owner. I don't mean to be, and I really wish I could work on cars, but I also know I have a thing about getting filthy and having dirty hands. This is enough to let me know that I will never learn shit about cars other than who to call to fix them.

Last thursday was one of those random times where my lack of knowledge would fuck me in the ass so good that whenever I sat in a chair I'd be able to pick it up like a suction cup! For almost two years I've been car pooling with a co-worker that lives on the way to the Casa De Barron. I don't really mind, because as I said it's on my way home, but she is also cool and will kick in for gas or pick up a dinner tab. We also get to ride in the carpool lane so that gets me home pretty quick. Yesterday was the same routine after work. We chat it up on the freeway and as I pull off the exit of the freeway we get stuck at a red light before I can make a left turn. As we're talking I hear an odd sound and lift my finger to halt the conversation. I roll my window all the way down and listen... then I hear it. "FFFSHHH" can be heard loud and clear and I don't know if it's a sprinkler or a tire? "Can you hear that?" I ask my carpool buddy (who's name is Pepper). Pepper gets a inquisitive look on her face and from the change in her expression I know she finally hears it. "What is that? Is that your tire?" "I don't know? I guess we'll find out right now?" I say as I point to the green light. I start to pull forward and the car runs jerky while making a loud "WHUP WHUP WHUP" sound as my front tire rolls. "Well, I guess it is my tire?" I tell her and we drive on it a bit to get to a gas station that is on the corner. Luckily for us it didn't get flat on the freeway, and even luckier for her we were just across the street from where her husband was going to pick her up. I pull into a parking slot and get out to see what was up with my tire. What was up with my tire was this...it was bald and flat! The reason it was leaking air might have had something to do with the fact that the wires were sticking out of the smooth rubber where treads should be! It was at this time I cursed myself for not checking it, or even thinking to check it! Now I was in a parking lot and would have to call triple A when all I wanted to do was pick up a macho burrito and go home to watch Dance 360! Shit!

Pepper reminds me how lucky we are that the tire went flat somewhere where we were able to get out of traffic and I agree. I get my cell phone out and look in my wallet for my triple A card. As I finally pull it out of my wallet Pepper says something along the lines of "I hope it's not expired" and this instantly pulls my eyes to the expiration date on the card, which reads "EXP. 12/04"! FUCK! I tell her it says 12/04 but then remember that I have it on my credit card so they just deduct the renewal fee when it's time. As I dial the phone Pepper asks if I have everything under control, I tell her I do and she goes across the street to meet her husband, but not before letting me know I could call her if I have any problems. What an angel.

I get through to triple A and get some automated message giving me a list of options to choose from to assist me. I hate these fucking automated message because you always have to jump around a few menu's before you get where you want to go. I end up being on hold for over 10 mins before I get a live person to talk to. "Hello! Thank you calling triple A, how can I help you today?"
"Hi. I have a flat tire and was calling for some assistance"
"Ok, can you give me the card number please?"
"Sure" and I start reading off all the digits to her
"Ok sir, just give me a minute here...ok...and is this Damon?"
"Yes it is..."
"Ok...well, it looks like your accounts been canceled as of...as of March of this year?"
"HUH?! Are you sure? I didn't cancel it?"
"Yes sir it is canceled. It says her it is because of a credit card decline?"
"Declined?! Can you tell me the number?" I say as I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I had a feeling I knew what the deal was and it SUCKED! She reads the number to me and it's not the number I had on my current credit card. No, the number she had was for the credit card that was stolen when some fuckers broke into my car and stole my messenger bag! When I canceled all my cards I had forgotten to call AAA and give them the new number! To be honest, I don't know who else I should have called? I hope I don't have to get fucked over to find out? I explain this deal to her and she's really nice about it. "Ok sir, no problem. If you like we can start it up again and then send a driver out to help you"
"Sure, that'd be great. Thank you"
"Ok, let me transfer you to that extension" SHIT! I would have to wait on the phone again!

I end up speaking to two other people before I get to the renewal guy, and by this times it's been over 45 mins! The guy seems pretty helpful and even though he tells me it's going to run me a smooth 60 bones to renew my membership I agree. He runs my card numbers sets me up and then says can you hold on a moment and the line gets quiet. I notice that there wasn't any music playing or anything like there was for the last 45 mins so I pull my phone away from my ear and look at the display. "CALL ENDED" is staring right back at me and I get livid! FUCK! I'm not sure if the call got dropped or if he hung up on me but I did know that i would have to wait another hour before I would get through to someone and I was starving, tired and just wanted to get home. Enter the Redman. The Redman, of "V the final battle and "Chuck"ing the ex-boyfriend fame", lives a few blocks away from the gas station I was at. After checking my car earlier I noticed I only had my spare tire, jack and NO CRANK! Since I didn't want to wait forever on the phone again and the Redman just lived a bit aways, I decided to call him to help me out. I dial him up on the old celophone and he's pretty chipper about doing me a solid and tells me to hold tight because the Redman was on his way. I only sat in my car for a couple of songs on the trusty MP3 stereo before the Redman pulls up. He gets out of the car with that cocky "Ok, the Redman's here to save the day" swagger he is so well known for and I notice he brought along little Ting-ting, who is chomping on a bag of candy... for a change. I pat her on the head and say hello, then I follow the Redman over to the flat tire where he is diligently studying the situation. After a few seconds of breaking down the situation he coolly tells me "Yup! That tire is flat!" He's just THAT good people! I just nod in agreement and the doctor goes to get his tools.

He tells me he'll handle it and starts to loosen the nuts on the rim. Now I knew how to change a tire, but he takes charge of the situation and I don't want to get in his way. He cranks up the car, pulls off the flat and puts on the spare within a few minutes. While he's doing this Ting-ting is telling me some story, but since her english isn't so clear to me and she's eating candy I just nod after every other sentence. By the time she's done chatting away the Redman stands up and he's done! I'm impressed because he had gunk all over his hands, yet didn't' complain about it and he was pretty quick. It feels nice to know you have friends you can count on is these situations and I thank him a few times. We go to a near by eatery to wash our hands and then we get ready to part ways. I give the spare a good look and notice something seemed off? but I just couldn't put my finger on it? "Is that spare ok?"
"YEAH! It's fine!"
"Really? doesn't look like it's a little low or something? Should I put some air in it?"
"Naw, your alright! That's how spare tires look!"
"Um, ok? If you say so?" I say feeling unsure. We shake hands and I promise him a round of beers on me for his help and I get in my car. I watch him pull out and feeling uneasy about the spare I decide I should just get home and get the new tire put on the next day. The shops were closed by this times and I didn't want to drive around town with that funky looking spare tire.

I decide the back way would be wisest since I was only going to cruise at about 10-15 miles per hour so I head up some residential street. The steering wheel is feeling really jerky and I still hear a noise like the tire is flat? I only get a few blocks away from where I was when I finally pull over to check on the spare tire and the noise it was making. I get out of the car and look at my nifty spare, no problem from what I can see? The tire looked fine and I even gave it a little squeeze and it seemed to have a decent amount of air? I give a little head scratch and finally walk back to the drivers seat before any of the neighborhood folks call the cops on the weird mexican guy and his little tired car. I start out towards home and get only a couple of blocks further before the noise starts to get louder? WHAT THE FUCK?! Now I'm starting to get annoyed, and worried? I pull over one more time and quickly look at the fucking tire again. NOTHING?! As soon as I get back behind the wheel I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach and figure I'd better just get home and forget about my Macho burrito, which pissed me off because I was starving and craving that damn thing! I turn left and by this time I'm only going about 10 miles an hour because the noise is embarrassingly loud and I could see people passing me with that "what the fuck is that noise" look on their faces. As I'm going down the street a new sound of grinding metal rings through the air and I feel my stomach drop with each inch my car rolls. I notice I'm driving right behind some friends of mines house and right when I pass it I hear "CREE-ANK!" and shoot my eyes forward as I feel the car jerk suddenly. In slow motion I see bolts shoot out into the air and while they travel upwards I notice my spare tire rolling down the street, yet I'm sitting still and my car isn't keeping up with the tire. "RRRRT!" is the sound my car makes as it grinds the rotor into the asphalt, stopping my car immediately. When I feel the grinding halt happen I am still staring forward watching my tire roll about a block and into the intersection. When it gets near the crosswalk it starts to wobble a bit and them WHAM! a car turns the corner and runs right over it! The lady driving the car just kind of casually looks out her side view mirror with an expression that says "Hmm, wonder what that was" and just keeps on driving? By this time I'm in a mix of shock and rage. I sat at the wheel just staring for about 3 mins before I'm snapped out of it by a voice yelling "DUUUDE?! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TIRE BRO?!" I look to my left and see some crackhead looking guy on the sidewalk standing with his huge ass big gulp and looking right at me. "BRO! THAT LADY JUST RAN RIGHT OVER YOUR TIRE!" he informs me, because I obviously wasn't aware of this?! I grimace and finally step out of the car to look at where my tire used to be. There is a good foot of grinded asphalt behind the left front rotor, where the tire used to be, and the front of the car in leaning to the left. After staring at this for a few seconds I take a deep breath and look towards my spare tire, which is down the street. "WHAT HAPPENED BRO?" the crackhead shouts out.
"Well...IT LOOKS LIKE MY FUCKING TIRE JUST FLEW OFF MY FUCKING CAR! SHIT!"
"NO DOUBT BRO!" CH replies with and I just throw him a wincing stare. I can feel the heat and rage rise in my body as I stand motionless thinking about how I wanted to smash every fucking bone in the Redman's body. What the fuck did he do to my fucking tire! Not to mention my fucking car too! I start walking with furious strides toward my spare tire and the crackhead is walking along side of me. "How did your tire fall off like that bro? I was walking by and saw the thing just snap off and fly down the street! I don't think that bitch knew what hit her! She just ran over it and kept on going!"
"Fuck, I don't know?! My buddy just put that tire on my car a few minutes ago! NOW IT FUCKING FLEW OFF!!! SHIT!"
"Damn bro! I don't think he did a very good job!"
"..." I just throw him a look that should have knocked his skeleton out of his skin and keep on walking towards my car. At this point I honestly don't know what to do? I've only seen wheels fly off cars in movies? Not to mention my rotor? Was it broken? Did the axel snap? How much was this going to cost?! THAT FUCKING REDMAN! This all started with a simple flat tire and now it was some big fucking fiasco!

As I'm standing there in a haze of violent anger and bafflement cars are starting to drive around the right side of my car and the drivers are giving me looks like I was fucking up their days by having my car broken down in the middle of their lane. One old lady drives by and with shaky old lady voice asks, "Ddd-do you nnn-need some help?"
"No thanks, I'm alright"
"ooo-oh k!" and she drives off. I hadn't called anyone yet, but I was really just in shock to be honest. I still couldn't believe this just happened. On top of that, I was feeling like a huge asshole standing there in the middle of the street with people just driving by and staring. Some were annoyed, some were just being nosy, some laughed and some zoomed by like I was going to carjack them if they slowed down next to me. It was during this humiliation that I realized the reason I felt like such a huge asshole and pull out my cell phone. I look up the number and dial the Redman.
"Hey! So did you make it home?!"
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! MY TIRE JUST FLEW OFF THE FRONT OF MY FUCKING CAR!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"
"WHA?! Haha, are you serious?!"
"YES I'M SERIOUS MOTHERFUCKER! AND WHAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY?! I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO MY CAR AND IT'S ON THE ROTOR! I FUCKING GRINDED THE ROTOR INTO THE FUCKING STREET!!!"
"OH SHIT! Ok, I'll be right there! Sorry about that?!"
"YEAH! YOU BETTER FUCKING GET HERE! I'VE HAD EVERY MOTHERFUCKER IN ORANGE STARING AT ME! HURRY UP!"
"OK! I'm on my way..." and then I hang up on him. I'm shaking with anger when I hear "Dude, here comes the CHP" and I realize that fucking crackhead is still standing right next to me?! Jesus! That's the problem with crackheads! They never have anywhere to go! The CHP car pulls in front of my car and this jarhead cocky cop get outs and walks towards me. This guy is the stereotypical dickhead cop, he has the jarhead haircut, the big dark aviator glasses, he's chewing a piece of gum the way a cow chomps grass and he has that swagger that starts off with him adjusting his utility belt as he walks. He doesn't say anything to me at first and just walks up to the front of my car, looks at the rotor and says, "so are you going to need to be towed or what?" "no, I have a friend coming down to help me get the tire on and move it." Now this was all that needed to be said, but my new bestest friend chimes in with "YEAH! His tire just flew right off bro! It rolled all the way down the street!" and the copper just gives him a "is that so" look. I look at the cop and just shrug my shoulders while trying to give a look that says "I don't know this fucker!" The cops grunts out a "uh huh" and tells me while chomping his gum, "Well, I'm just going to set down a couple of flares so people will drive around you. I'd stay and help you but I've got to be somewhere" then he walks off, grabs some flares from his trunk, throws them down behind my car and tears off down the street without saying a word? While I'm standing in the dust shot up by his car the crackhead turns to me and says, "Hey bro, you don't have a smoke do you?"
"No"
"Aw, that sucks. I bet you wish you had one now though huh?! HAHAHA!"
"Yeah, sure" Seriously? Who the fuck is this guy?!
"Anyway bro, I got to head out. Good luck with that! If my buddy did this shit I'd fucking kick his ass! haha!"
"Yeah, I intend to. Thank you" and I just turn my back to him as he walks off. I call the Redman again because quite some time has passed now and I'm about to lose it. I mean REALLY lose it. As the phone rings I walk up and down the street looking for my lugnuts. I find one and right when I pick it up he answers his phone.
"Hey, I'm on my way"
"Where the hell are you?!"
"I had to wait for Ewok to watch Ting ting. You know, a changing of the guards"
"WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BROUGHT HER WITH YOU?! I'VE BEEN STANDING OUT HERE WITH SOME FUCKING CRACKHEAD LOOKING LIKE A DUMB ASSHOLE!?"
"Calm down, I'm pulling up right behind you" he says casually as I turn and see him park behind my car.

He gets out of his car and walks over to the front left rotor of mine and shakes his head, "Oh man! I don't know what happened?"
"Oh, you don't?"
"Well obviously the wheel fell off. Y'know, I must have just finger tightened the lugnuts?"
"Are you kidding me?" I don't even feel pissed anymore, I just feel exhausted. Don't get me wrong! That last part pissed me off good, I just didn't have it in me to get raged anymore. Even though I was livid at this last remark, I didn't have the power of rage and hate on my side anymore. I had envisioned myself pummeling him with a flurry of punches when he got out of his cars, but it just kind of vanished and I just felt really tired.
"You just finger tightened them? Your joking? How could you not have tightened them the right way?"
"I don't' know?! I must have been distracted!"
"BY WHAT?!"
"Well, think about it this way, at least you weren't on the freeway! Then I'd feel even worse if you got killed"
(Insert long awkward angry stare here)
"Let's just get the fucking tire on and my car out of the street" I say flatly. What was amusing was while he was putting the tire on this time around he tried to get me all riled up about the cop who just ditched me. He was going on and on about what a asshole the guy was and how his tax dollars are just being wasted. I don't know if he really felt this way, or if he was just trying to take some of the heat off of himself? I think both actually. We finally get the tire on and I nervously climb into my car to drive it to the parking lot on the corner. I was nervous that the car wouldn't run or that the steering would be so whacked that I would only do more damage to it. Either way, I had to get it out of the street...along with myself. I was pretty sick of people driving by and looking at me. I think the clincher was when a car full of cute girls drove by and pointed and giggled as I stood there with greasy hands and a sweat "V" on my shirt. Curse them broads! Curse them to hell! The Redman follows me into the parking lot and when we both pull in she gets out and shouts to me, "Well? How'd it feel?" I just shrugged and told him it seemed alright, but I was still nervous about driving it and if he would follow me to apartment so I could at least park it there instead of leaving it in some parking lot. He agrees and we make the drive which is less than a mile from where we were. After I park my car in my slot the Redman tells me that we should get the other tire and then put it on. I agree and we get in the car and continue our quest to fuck up my car as much as we possibly could in one day.

Keep in mind that this whole situation started at 5:30pm and it was now past 7pm! We are sitting in the car on our way to Costco to get a new tire and almost the whole way there, even though we made idle chit chat, I just kept thinking "I can't believe that my fucking tire just rolled off of my car? Did this really happen? It's too bizarre to be real?" Sadly I know it's real, that's just the kind of luck I have. I'm not trying to sound all "whoa's me" about it, this is just fact! I'm the kind of person that could go camping for the first time ever in my life and get abducted and raped by hillbilly's, and that wouldn't even be the worst part! The worst part would be after I was found and nursed back to health they would break the news to me that while I was away in the mountains, my apartment burned down and everything I owned had perished in the fire! THAT'S how shitty my luck is. So during this reflection and pointless banter with the Redman I hear him blurt out, "man, this is the second time I've done this!"
"What?"
"This is the second time I've done this! Well, at least last time the tire didn't fall off, I found out before hand." After hearing this last statement it was like Gatorade for my anger and I start going off on my livid banter again.
"Boy, your really not going to ever let me forget about this are you?"
(insert angry stare here)

It takes over an hour to get the tire placed on my rim and I don't even want to get into the guy working the counter who looked like a chubby young Rick Moranis, but I will tell you this, he's about as bright as a blackout! Even the Redman wanted to pummel him! As we get back in the car we start to head back to my place when I remind him that we have to buy replacement lugnuts. "MAN! Your killing me here! How many errands do we have to run?!"
"I'm sorry, am I wasting your time? Perhaps you'll remember this next time you decide to finger tighten lugnuts and then let your buddy drive away!? Jesus! You got a lot of nerve man!"
"Alright, you got me! I think we can use some beers before we get back..." We finish getting everything we need and actually stop to get a beer at some crappy dive bar before we get down and dirty finishing up the fucking fiasco that had been dragged out for almost 5 hrs now.

When we finally get to my apartment we grab all our goods and head straight for my car. The Redman can't find the metal bars under the car that are used to support the jack and ends up using the front of the car. It worked before so I didn't see a problem with it? As the car is jacked up he takes off the spare and tells me, "we might as well see if the brake shoe is working alright? go step on the pedal..."
"Really? Ok" I say, forgetting that Mr. Goodwrench was the reason I was there in the first place. So I open the door, get in and tap the brake pedal a couple of times. He then tells me to "release the brake." Now this seemed like an odd request, but I didn't even think twice about it and pull the lever down. Within seconds I hear a loud "CREEEAK" and the car just rolls forward and slams down on the concrete! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"YOU JUST FUCKING TOLD ME TO RELEASE THE BRAKE!!!"
"I JUST MEANT TO TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE PEDAL!"
"I DIDN'T HAVE MY FOOT ON THE PEDAL!"
It's at this point the Redman decides it's his turn to freak out and proceeds to do so by jumping around yelling "FUUUUUHCK!" When he's done we pull my jack out from under the car and it is just mangled. I don't say a word and just walk to the dumpster and throw it away in disgust. The Redman goes to his car to get his jack and starts the whole process over again. When the car is jacked up I start to close the door to the car when the Redman yells, "WAIT WAIT WAIT! It's not safe, it's not safe!" We both stand there silently frozen like we were playing freeze tag with the car when all of the sudden "creeEEEEAK!" BOOM! The fucking car falls again and tweaks the Redman's jack! I don't even have it in me to get pissed and let the Redman take care of it. "FUCK FUCK FUUUHCK! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT JACK! FUCK!", he yells while running around in circles, "This is really starting to piss me off now!" I just smile at him with amusement and he sternly says, "Let's go to my parents house. My dad has a jack that can carry 3 tons!" "How come we didn't just use that before?"
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE FUCKING JACKS WERE PIECES OF SHIT! WHAT?! IS YOUR CARPORT AT AN INCLINE OR SOMETHING?!"
"It doesn't really matter when the parking brake is off does it"
(Insert the Redman's angry stare here)

We go to his parents house and grab the hydraulic jack. Luckily his parents only lived down the street from where I lived. Actually, his parent lived a couple of blocks from where my tire had flown off the car and came to a grinding halt. As we pass by the scene of the crime I say in a tired burnt out tone "It was just hours ago that my tire flew off right there (as I point to the spot) and I wanted to kill you"
"C'mon! Later on we're going to tell this story and it's going to be hilarious!"
"Oh yeah? Then how come it's now a tad bit funny now?"
"Boy, you like to think of the negative!" and at this point he pulls up to his parents house. I look at my watch and it's 10:45pm. This was the longest night EVER! And it all started with a simple flat tire and my lack of patience for automated service from AAA!

After driving back to my carport and spending a good 10-15 mins trying to figure out how the hydraulic jack worked we get the tire on in no time! Seriously, it took less time than it did to figure out how to use the jack! A wave of accomplishment and relief passes through both of us and we can't help but be all smiles. There was one thing though? Would it be drivable? We decide to drive around a few secluded neighborhood blocks and try it out. It was a little sketchy considering the back tires technically only had three bolts because we put four old bolts up front and each back tire had one new lugnut in it. The problem with the new nuts was they were too long to fit in the wrench. Nervously I pull out of the carport and down the street and we don't' say a word for a couple of blocks, we both just sit with looks of concentration on our faces as we listen for odd noises. Nothing. We drive a little fast up this long stretch of road and still nothing. The brakes seem to be working just fine and the rotor seems to be working as good as before, plus there are no funky noises coming from it. I gas it up and do about 50 down this stretch of road, then I apply the brakes, easy at first then harder. Nothing, we stop just fine. I feel a little relief and the Redman says, "are we going to go on the freeway?"
"NO! The new bolts aren't even on tight! I'm not fucking with that shit tonight! I'll get them tightened in the morning before I drive to work"
"Ok, I was just asking."

We pull back into the parking spot and it's almost 11:30 and we are both greasy, sweaty and our clothes look like we were running around in boot camp. I wanted to take a long hot shower and go to bed and the Redman looked like he wanted to do the same. I would get to sleep in late because I had to take my car to the shop (which I did and everything seems to be A-ok with my g-ride! I got VERY lucky! Or so I think, the tire could fall off as I go over an overpass that turns left and skid over the edge.) I help the Redman gather up his tools and load them into his car.
"Sorry about your tire, but hey! It all worked out alright! I knew it would!"
"Yeah, hopefully they don't tell me some expensive shit about my car tomorrow! I've already spent over 100 bucks for a simple flat! But thanks for almost killing me and helping me try and fix what you fucked up..."
"Ha! No problem! I look forward to reading about this on your blog site! It'll be a good one!"
"Fuck you!"

DJB

3 Comments:

Blogger MiMi said...

(satisfied sigh) now that was entertaining. There's nothing like reading a well written story after work. I can see how you were mad but it's funny just imagining seeing your own tire roll away and have someone run over it. I've had a flat only one time at the University but nothing as bad as that. At least you got through it!!

8:32 PM  
Anonymous IMORTL said...

Funny post today – IMOHO – if you can’t change a tire your self and you don’t have a puss, your tire should fall off…LOL (Glad you are ok though)

3:35 PM  
Blogger bornfool said...

Great story! I have days like that about once a week. I call it "buzzard luck."
Thanks for the laughs. I always enjoy your posts.
lejnd

3:19 PM  

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