Thursday, June 23, 2005

When the Sith hits the fan, I see III PO'd!...



Before I get to the nitty gritty about what I thought about Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, I think I should share with you a tale that may or may not have impacted my viewing pleasure.

When first I heard that Episode III was trucking right along in the entertainment rags I was less than enthusiastic. Truth be told, I thought Episode I was an alright movie and I just plain out loathed Episode II (except for the lightsaber duels, any Star Wars geek loves lightsaber duels. If movies like Ishtar, Shanghai Surprise and anything starring actors from The WB and UPN had lightsaber duels they’d probably have more credibility to them). I am an old school SW fan, which is why I can refer to Star Wars as SW – so don’t think you can do it too, and grew up on the old films. The only reason I probably tolerated Episode I is because I waited over two decades for it to come out. It could have been two hours of Yoda taking a shit and swatting gnats with his lightsaber and I would have paid to see it over and over again, gladly at that! But there was just no excuse for Ep. II! That was just flat out bullshit and except for about 2 people I know, everyone seems to be in agreement. After years of less than stellar follow-ups to the classics I had lost my steam when it came to waiting for the final installment of the prequel trilogies. Luckily Lord of the Rings came out and showed me that I hadn’t grown old and jaded, allowing that to be the reason I hated the SW prequels. LOTR (as us geeks refer to it) restored some of the child like awe I remember having when I sat in the theater as a kid watching the SW movies of my youth. That was how movies should have been made, and Lucas should have taken notes!

To us nerds, Episode III’s plot was like The Passion of the Christ and Titanic. We knew how it was going to end, and we even knew some of the plot details. The only thing we didn’t know was how George Lucas was going to fuck it up. Like I’ve already stated, we had Ep. I & II to give us a pretty good idea. Every now and then I would catch an article or photo on how the plot was coming along or what the characters were going to look like this time around. Some of it peaked my interest, but not enough to make me excited for its big release. For over a year there seemed to be a serious buzz about how great this movie was going to be and I just couldn’t understand it? Were people starting to forget about the other films? Were all the underground internet film rags on the Lucas payroll? What was everyone talking about? Sure some of the ships and aliens looked cool, but shit rolled in sugar may look sweet, that doesn’t mean its candy now does it? Big deal, Chewbacca was going to be in this one! Ooh, Vader makes an appearance! Big deal! This movie was going to stink worse than a bag lady's moose knuckle! It HAD to! Then I saw the much awaited teaser trailer…

When I heard it was going to be online I scoffed and avoided it, then I heard it was going to be on t.v. and I finally caved in. I had to confirm how shitty it was going to be for myself. It was only going to be a two minute trailer and I would to have to endure an hour of the O.C. before I could even see it, but I just had to know. Finally the day comes and I take my O.C. lumps when the big announcement that the trailer was up next fills my ears. I sit forward and watch with studying eyes in complete silence for the next couple of minutes.

I had been to many a funeral in my day, I’ve also seen many of my friends get married and have kids, I’ve seen my sisters have kids and have felt different realms of emotions for each occasion. After seeing this teaser trailer though, I was left in a state of emotional shock! I didn’t know if I wanted to yell, cry or sit alone in the dark? Which ever it was it would be done with nothing but excitement! Did my eyes deceive me or did I just see the best fucking thing I have ever seen in my life?! There was no way what I just saw was for a new SW movie! It couldn’t be! It looked too damn good! It was too much of what I had waited my whole life for! It had to be a sham, a sick perverted joke to raise my hope and dreams, only to smack them down like a spiked volleyball and humiliate me! But it looked like what I was waiting for and it was too good to fool me, I was too smart for that this time around.

From that moment on I absorbed every story, picture and spoiler I could find. If the news said they had a sneak peek at a booger left on the lot where they were filming Episode III, I would watch an hour of news to see it. I was in deep and when they announced the release date I made sure to check the local theaters for the availability of midnight show tickets. It was like the past experiences and disappointments never happened. I ended up buying my tickets weeks ahead of time and even secured a buddy to drag along with me for the midnight geek showing. All my buddies were on the same page, the only difference was they either had kids or a spouse to see it with and I couldn’t invite myself to their special day. They had to do it their own way and I had to do it mine. Luckily my friend Nicole was willing to be my co-pilot and knowing she loved the movies as much as I did it was a guarantee the ticket wouldn’t be wasted on her.

The big day had finally arrived and I couldn’t believe it was finally here. All those years of waiting had arrived, all those weeks of anticipation were about to pay off, all those hours of anxiously watching the clock were finally passing by. The time had come and there was a buzz in the air that let it be known midnight on May 19th wasn’t just any day, it was Star Wars day and I was going to be part of it.

All that week people would ask me things like “are you ready?” “did you get your tickets already?” and on the day of the same questions were being asked. I down played my excitement because just because I know I’m a total tard didn’t mean I wanted to confirm it for everyone else? “Yeah, I’m gonna check out the midnight show, but only because I did it for the other movies…” I think I blew my cover when some sly individuals asked, “did you take the day off?” and I would blurt out “YEAH! It’s Star Wars day! I’m just going to load up my backpack with a big sandwich and some juice boxes and hang out in the theatre all day!..er.” Oh well, I wasn’t ashamed. I’m a grown ass man and I could do what I wanted.

Work flew by that day and I was finalizing all my preparations for the evening show when it hit me! SHIT! I lost the card I had bought my tickets online with?! The prior week I had taken my sister to dinner and on the way to meet her I had left it in an ATM machine! I had ordered a new one but it had different numbers on it?! Aww, it shouldn’t be a big deal I said to myself. I’ll just gather up all basic information needed to claim my tickets. I found my confirmation sheet from FANDANGO and printed it up. I also printed up my card statement which showed my purchase was already paid for and that the account did indeed belong to me. With my new card and driver’s license I should have had more than I needed to solve my missing card problem. It would be fine.

I call Nicole after work to remind her that she was to meet me at my apartment at around 10:30 so we could get to the show about an hour before show time because we would surely have to wait in line. When I talk to her she sounds pissy. This wasn’t a good sign? I ask her what the deal is and whatever it was to lighten up, it was Star Wars day! It didn’t seem to work, but she assured me she was excited to go and she was just burnt out on work. Fair enough, who likes work? Around 10:00pm she calls me up to tell me she’s on her way, but she still sounds pissy? What the hell! It’s fucking Star Wars day?! Get over it already! I sarcastically tell her to leave the tude at her crib because there was no room for bitterness at the theater and to think of all the carnies we’d be laughing at before the movie. She just placates me with some humorous banter and tells me she is on her way. This was not a good start to a night I had been eagerly awaiting, not good at all.

When she shows up she just looks tired and angry. I get in the car and just look at her.
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to you know?”
“I know I don’t, but I want to”
“Well, you seem kind of pissy, you better not ruin Star Wars day!”
She just throws me a “you’re such a dick” look, but lightens up a bit on the ride to the theater. By the time we pull in the parking lot both of us are in pretty good spirits and start to giggle as we talk about the different kinds of tards we were bound to see. I notice the line is LONG and there are two lines at that! I assume the longest line was the one we were going to stand in but it was still at a length where we’d still get good seats. Nicole pulls into a parking spot and we give each other the “let's do this” look and get out of the car and head towards what would turn out to be the most annoying situation and group of the stupidest mother fuckers I’ve dealt with in a long time.

Knowing we had gotten to the movies a little over an hour from when the movie was to start I didn’t really sweat having to go to the ticket booth to claim my tickets I’d bought on line. Sure they might be a minute or two of explaining my card situation, but I had all my papers with me so I would be good to go. I walk to the window and get greeted by this skinny cracked out looking lady with eyes like that run away bride chick and hair like Harpo Marx, except brown. I smile, return the greeting and start explaining my situation to her. As I start to get into the detail of my story I notice she is just staring at me with this far off look in her eyes?
“I’m sorry? Is any of this making sense to you? Here, I have a copy of the receipt and my statement. Here is the new card that I just got in the mail today and here’s my drivers license”
“Ok…um? So you don’t have the card you bought the tickets with? Because I need that card to get your tickets?”
“No, that’s what I’m trying to explain to you? It was lost and I have a new card, but the numbers are different. The paper work I just gave you has all the information needed on it”
“Um…(insert puzzled look here)…but we have the information in the computer with the old card?”
“Yeah…can’t you manually punch in the number if I give it to you?”
“…um…Yeah? Uh…can I see your new card?”
“What? Yeah you can see it, but it’s not the same number?”
“Oh…yeah. Um…y’know…uh, let me get a manager…”
She then bolts out the little door while Nicole and I look at each other in confusion. Neither of us could understand why it was such a big deal and were even chuckling a bit about how absurd the whole thing seemed. I was annoyed, but no where near upset…yet.

A couple of minutes later Miss Crackhead walks in with the Manger and gestures towards me. The manager is about the same height as me and looked to be a couple of years younger. He’s dressed in this really bad suit that has these abnormally looking shoulder pads and seems a bit of a dork. He gives me a nice mellow “hello sir” and starts looking at the paper work.
“So you don’t have the card you purchased the tickets with?”
“No! I just went through this with the lady who went to get you” Who's standing next to the manager and has an expression like I tried to pull one over on her.
“Look, I lost the card and I know the last set of numbers on it. Why don’t I give you those numbers and usually the first set of numbers always remain the same so you can use the first set off of my new card and punch in the last set of numbers from my old card?”
“Well sir, we usually use the card for reference and that information is stored in the computer. We can’t get access to your tickets without that information”
“Can’t you enter the information manually? I have every piece of information you can possibly need right here, I just don’t have the actual card! If you can’t get that information you can still see that they were paid for by me, so can’t you give me a set of tickets and just leave the tickets unclaimed?”
“Sir, the problem is this is a sold out show…”
“YES! I know! That’s why I bought my tickets ahead of time!” I say loudly as I feel my hands make fists.
“Let me see something…” The crackhead is standing next to him, silently, and the Manager starts typing away on the computer.

A few minutes pass and he’s still typing away on the keyboard like he was trying to hack into the fucking Pentagon or something! Nicole can sense I’m about to flip out and shakes here head with a smirk on her face. “DUDE! What is their problem,” she asks me with a scowl. I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head, I was already feeling dizzy with anger. More time passes and the Manager and I exchange a few more pointless Q&A’s when I notice some movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and notice that the movement was all the people who were lined up were now shuffling into the movie theater! I look at Nicole in disbelief and she just looks dazed. “Excuse me? That wouldn’t happen to be the line I was supposed to be in going in the theater to be seated would it?”
“Uh, I think it is”
“WHAT?! What is the problem here? Why is this taking so long? Now people are already going into the theater! What more information could you possibly need!”
At this point a little Mexican guy pokes his head into the box office and asks Shoulder Pads if everything was going alright. Shoulder Pads nods and the guy disappears. Crackhead is still just standing there looking like she was trying to figure out how many cocks she would have to suck before she got her next fix. Now I’m just imagining myself reaching in the little hole they hand you your tickets through and grabbing Shoulder Pads by the tie and smashing his face into the plexi glass! My hands are starting to twitch and Shoulder Pads asks, “Sir, do you know the number of the original card?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I’VE GIVEN IT TO YOU NUMEROUS TIMES ALREADY! WHAT ARE…NEVERMIND! HERE’S THE NUMBER…” I start to recite the number again and he’s just gazing into the monitor of his computer and typing like he just learned how.
“Okay, I’m sorry. That last set of numbers again?”
“JESUS?! YOUR MESSING WITH ME RIGHT?! YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! DO YOU NEED ME TO WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN FOR YOU? WOULD THAT HELP YOU OUT?!”
“Yeah, can you do that?” he says as he slides me a pen through the small hole in the plexiglass. I write the numbers down with such furious anger that I almost engraved them into the counter top. I slide the paper back to him and continue to stare him down just waiting for him to provoke me to go inside and fuck him up. He refuses to make eye contact with me and grabs the paper and starts typing in hacker fashion again. Nicole is quietly leaning on the counter with her back to Shoulder Pads, but is almost as pissed as I was. Crackhead was just nibbling on her nails and watching in awe as Shoulder Pads types away.

After a couple MORE minutes I see two tickets pop up from the counter near the computer. Shoulder Pads has a look of satisfaction on his face and grabs the tickets from the machine.
“Ok, what I did was I took the last set of numbers from your old card and then typed the first set of numbers from your new card and after I did that it released the tickets!”
“…” I just stare at him for a sec “So you just went ahead and did what I told you to do when I first walked up to this window and it worked huh? Wow! Your and effing genius! Can I just have my tickets!”
“Sure, just go ahead and go inside the theater. Sorry it took so long”
I throw him the hardest “FUCK YOU” look I could muster and snatch my tickets from his hand. “What fucking retards,” Nicole exclaims, “what the hell was the problem”
I didn’t answer her and I just hand her her ticket and we walk in.

At this point there are no more people waiting to get into our theater and I knew finding a good seat was not going to happen. When we get in the theater we don’t really hear anything but once we get around the wall and look up at the stadium seats the whole place is packed! Packed with the biggest freak show this side of the O.C.! I saw about 5 guys with lap top computer open and typing with a creepy frenzy as the glow from their screens shimmered in their glasses. There was another batch of folks in costumes and some even had girlfriends. I saw two Darth Vaders, about 4 Jedi, 1 stormtrooper and 1 Jabba the Hutt (which just turned out to be this really gross fat guy.) With Nicole by my side we walk up the aisle scanning the theater for 2 seats. After a few failed attempts at securing some seating we deal with the fact that we were destined to sit in the front section. Already livid from the ticket situation I get another jolt of anger at this realization and blurt out “how the fuck do you even watch a movie when you sit that close to the fucking screen?” I hear a voice that isn’t Nicole’s answer “LIKE THIS!” I turn my head to see who was talking to me and its some chubby nerd fuck and once I turn to look at him he raises his chin and stares up at the ceiling while repeating “LIKE THIS!” Thinking I could probably sock him in the chin and snap his neck in one swift move I decide to walk away. I guess he wasn’t going to be satisfied until he got a laugh because when Nicole walks past him he follows her with his eyes and yells out “LIKE THIS!” one last time, hoping to tap her funny bone. Asshole.

We get to the front and notice there are two seats next to each other… in the handicapped section. We figure we were fucked anyway so we might as well snatch them up while we had the chance. Once we sit down we both look like we could go on a killing spree. We are sitting in the right hand corner of the front section and are SO far off to the right that we have to look at the movie from the corners of our eyes like it’s going to sneak up on us! I am so filled with rage by this point that I can’t sit still. “I want to go wait in the lobby for that fucking Manager so I can beat the shit out of him!” I tell Nicole. With a touch of amusement in her expression she comes back at me with “I have some vicadin? Do you want one?” “YES! You KNOW I want one!” She then smiles and reaches in her purse like a grandparent would if they were getting you a stick of gum. Why she had a bottle of vicadins I don’t know, but she had them and that’s all I did care about. I gather up a little saliva and dry gulp the pill like it was the antidote to rage. It wasn’t until after I realized I hadn’t eaten dinner that night and I’d probably make myself sick by taking drugs on an empty stomach so I offer to get her a refreshment, which she declines, and make my way to the snack bar. All I got was a large lemonade and some nacho’s and it came out to cost close to $10!? I could have had two orders of macho nachos for that price? Seeing as how I was already seething with anger I don’t even sweat it and hand the kid behind the counter a 10 spot and make my way back to my seat.

When I sit down Nicole is all excited and grabs my arm. “Oooh! You missed it!” she tells me with her eyes wide with excitement.
“Missed what?”
“Man! When you left these teenagers walk up to the front of the theater and they are all dressed in Star Trek outfits!”
“Star Trek?! How many were there?”
“Yeah Star Trek! There were three of them and they get up to the front and yell out “LIVE LONG AND PROSPER” while making the Mr. Spock sign with their hands, then they yell “STAR TREK RULES!!!” and run out of the theater!”
“Are you kidding me?! And I missed it!?”
“Yeah! After they yelled that the nerds started getting crazy and were yelling “FUCKING NERDS! STAR TREK SUCKS!”
“Damn! What a jip! I can’t believe I missed that shit!”
“It was suh-weet dude!’

I start eating my nachos just waiting for my little white friend to kick in when I notice the weird little Mexican guy who had popped his head into the box office to check on things. Having had a little bit of banter on the bullshit that went on that evening and how we got fucked over Nicole suggests I go talk to the little Mexican Manager (who I will refer to as M&M). I think about it for a minute and agree with her. I get out of my seat and walk up behind him, because he was talking to some employee, and lightly tap him on the shoulder. He turns around with a bit smile on his face and tells me “Jess!” It was at this point I knew this scenario was going to suck!
“Hi. Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Chure! Wass can I do fo ju?”
“Yeah, I just dealt with one of your managers and some ticket booth girl moments ago and I’m not very happy with the situation that just took place.”
“Ho, do ju knows the mana-hers name?”
“No, but he’s the chubby blond guy in the bad suit. You had looked into the ticket booth when he was working on trying to get me my tickets?”
“JESS! Ho k, I knows who jor talkin bout”
“Ok, well here’s what happened…” and I proceed to tell all the drama to him. He seems very attentive, giving me head nods, cupping his chin and such.
“Well now we get into the theater and there is no place to sit and we’re stuck in the handicapped section,” after making that statement I point towards Nicole and she smiles back, “I’m not a fool, I know we weren’t going to get the best seat in the house, but we would have gotten a good seat at least?”
“Uh-huh, well I can sees a couple seas opens steel?” he says as he point to a few single seats with his big ass walkie talkie. This sets me off for some reason because I felt like he wasn’t getting my point.
“Yes, I see a couple of single seats, but we planned on sitting next to each other to watch this movie!” (it’s fucking star wars guy! C’mon! Why would I want to share that special moment with a stranger?!)
“Ho, jess, ho k”
“Well, I’m pretty livid about all this and I think you should at least comp our tickets or do something? This is unacceptable! I bought my tickets weeks ahead of time, I get here early and it was all for nothing! Now I have shitty seats so what was the point of even paying extra for my tickets?!”
“Uh-huh. Sore, I ‘ms so surry bud ee’s not hower monies? It’s meester Yorge Yucas’s monies?”
I just stare at him because I’m not sure I was hearing him right. When I realize this conversation was actually happening I let out a hearty “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN’T YOUR MONEY? THAT IT’S GEORGE LUCAS’S MONEY?!” at this point I’m on the verge of snapping and I get in his face.
“Sore, dus studios dusn’t pays us for chowing dis movies. The monies ghost to meester Yucas! Der ee’s nuting I can do’s?” and he shrugs his shoulders and throws his hand up.
I get closer to him, close enough to where I’m almost looking down on the top of his head.
“LOOK! GEORGE LUCAS DIDN’T TAKE MY MONEY WHEN I BOUGHT THE TICKETS! YOUR THEATER DID! GEORGE LUCAS WASN’T THE DIPSHIT IN THE TICKET BOOTH WHO SCREWED ME OVER! GEORGE LUCAS ISN’T EVEN HERE! YOU ARE! AND SOMETHING BETTER BE DONE ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIS IS BULLSHIT!”
I feel a bit better having got it all out and I take a step back, but never take my eyes off the little bastard.
“…Ho K. Lesme seas what I can do’s ho k? Eyes be right back”
“Fine, thank you. And if you need me I’ll be in the handicapped section…”

I get back to my seat and Nicole just laughs and says, “Dude! What did you tell him?” I explained the whole George Lucas bullshit and she just laughs and laughs. The movies trailers are starting and so are the effects of the vicadin. They haven’t turned the lights down yet and I’m starting to wonder where the hell M&M is? After a couple of trailers I see M&M charging into the theater and goes to the very front of the screen, looks at me, snaps his finger and gives me the c’mere gesture after he points at me. I tap Nicole on the arm and tell her “I think he wants us to follow him?” When we got up out of our seats to walk to the front of the theater it felt like we were getting called to the principals office and I was just waiting for the audience to yell out “OOOOH! Your buuusted!” but they never did. He walks us over to the hallway and tells me “Ho k, der ee’s huhnother movies sturting rhyes now in the de uther theaters. Eef you wants to go in theres to watched the movies thans you can. Deys havents lets all the peeples in jet.”
I was pretty blown away by this, not to mention the druggins were taking effect and I was feeling pretty mellow. “Really?! That’s…that’s pretty cool. I appreciate that, thank you very much”
“Ee’s no problems. Less go to the theater and ju can seet down.”

As M&M takes us to the theater, me and Nicole are looking at each other with giddy excitement. “I wonder how many people are in there” I say with drug riddled excitement. I walk around the wall where the seats are and I can’t believe my eyes! Not only is the theater almost empty, but the crowd is a bit older and there isn’t ONE jedi in sight! We grab a couple of seats in the middle of the theater and just laugh at the surrealness of the whole night. All I could think was “this better be some kind of fucking great flick!” I was still a bit unnerved about everything that happened and tried to relax so I could enjoy the flick, but the euphoria of seeing the last of the Star Wars saga had been all but eliminated by a slew of dipshits and even though M&M came through for a brutha, I couldn’t get into the movie. My advice to you is, DON’T USE FANDANGO! Using it almost resulted in me pissing blood!

Now you can go on to read about how Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was. Enjoy!

DJB

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